Random access excitement

dp-videoteaserIt hadn’t occurred to me that other people don’t care. I’d not given a single thought to the fact that, outside the circular wall of my robot-addled brain, additional human beings inhabiting this planet may not give two (or even three) hoots about an impending album release.

If you’ve spent any longer than one minute in my company over the last few weeks, I’ve probably asked you if you’re as excited about Daft Punk’s forthcoming LP, Random Access Memories, as I am. The answer, without fail, has always been brick wall specific.

“No,” you said.

With some people, I left it there. These are, after all, friendships and relations I’ve built and maintained for many years, and I wouldn’t want two French robots to spoil them. That would be a shame. And an incredibly odd way for things to end.

Then there’s my mum. As we all know, mums know everything. For a very long time, we pretend not to believe this is the case, but, as soon as school becomes a distant memory and we’re thrust into the world of work, mortgages and the requirement to deal with other human beings on stuff which doesn’t involve reenacting yesterday’s Street Fighter battle or comparing Panini stickers, we come to the distinct conclusion that everything mum says is, in fact, 100% correct.

Mums also humour their children indefinitely and it was with that in mind that I recently raised the question of whether or not she’d heard Get Lucky, the first single from the album. She had, and confirmed that it was good, if a little repetitive. This was going well. Much better, in fact, than my previous attempts to make people like Daft Punk. So, I continued. If mum liked it, maybe all hope was not lost elsewhere.

A brief, but exciting (for me, anyway), recount of some of their earlier stuff followed. Less impressed, but – as mums always do – putting boredom to one side for the sake of her child, she continued to listen intently.

I showed her the Saturday Night Live advert with Nile Rogers jamming away on a glittery stage filled by shiny instruments, a shiny Pharrell Williams and two men dressed as, yes, shiny robots. It is at times like this that, for even the most ardent Daft Punk fan, the pretentiousness of it all briefly catches breath before being stuffed firmly back into the sea of suspended belief. It all looks a bit silly. For a moment. Mum seemed unperturbed, though, so I carried on.

I then went one further and showed my mother the grainy iPhone footage from the Coachella festival, where a short clip of Get Lucky was played on big screens to the thousands in attendance, somehow managing to upstage the real acts who had bothered to make a physical appearance. This is where it got tricky, because it is almost impossible to explain why this is so ultimately cool without, once again, exposing Daft Punk’s entire viral marketing campaign for the inherent silliness such an elaborate pre-album promotional monolith launch elicits. I think I failed here, not least because my wife entered the room at the exact same time and rescued my mum with a conversation about how much of a dork I am.

Putting that brief experiment to one side, I have now heard Random Access Memories and I really am blown away. Putting all the hyperbole and silly suits to one side, it is an achievement of simply unfathomable standards for two bedroom producers who have previously been far more at home sampling others (and they are the best in the game at doing that). It is also a record which will take time to settle in your mind. You may not develop a glowing opinion of it instantly; it is not made for instant gratification. And in this world of instant everything, bland R&B, pop and dance music and a requirement for all lead vocalists to have an irritating affectation in their voice, that’s a very good thing indeed.

Thrilling, surprising and fitting everything I love about music and production into one album, RAM is an instant masterpiece. Listening to it is like floating in a space station filled with Moogs, live drums, top session players and echos of Chic, David Bowie and Pink Floyd ringing with tape-saturated warmth in your ears. It is also a perfect reason to dust off your turntable and get the vinyl ordered; if there was ever a modern album which demanded that type of playback, this is it.

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Default Rock Star

DRS Univeral Rock coverFor about twenty years, I have been playing with myself in the spare bedroom.

That’s the inevitable, masturbatory-reference-strewn intro over, and one few bedroom producers can escape from. But that’s what I have always been, and will continue to be probably for the rest of my life – a knob-twiddling, noise-making producer of music made, on the whole, purely for my own satisfaction.

For the last ten years, I’ve wanted to produce an album. Anyone who has listened to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon will doubtless have wanted to do the same thing themselves, but I’ve technically had the tools to do so ever since my dad bought an Atari ST and a copy of Cubase in the early 90s.

For years I’ve fiddled. I’ve even ‘released’ some stuff, in the loosest possible term, which can be found on my old Soundcloud page (click here). Inevitably, though, my journey through sound has resulted in half finished ideas, completed tracks I’ve not dared put out into the ether and hours of frustrating, key-bashing unproductiveness. Anyone who has dabbled with making their own music, whether it be electronic, rock, pop or simply a guitar and a microphone, will know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a long, lonely process and one which usually results in 95% unproductiveness and 5% of genuine inspiration. The greats turn that 5% into beautiful works of art we buy and listen to for years to come. People like me make it work for ourselves.

It is with that in mind that I present my first album, Universal Rock. Under the pseudonym, Default Rock Star, which originated during nothing more elaborate than a dog walk, it is something I’m finally happy with. It’ll likely be the only full album I ever release, as I will now concentrate on single tracks and possibly the odd EP.

As a fellow producer friend (the rather excellent Persona1600) recently remarked about his own work, these 10 tracks are the closest things I have to children. Perhaps you’ll enjoy them. Maybe you won’t. Here they are…

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I’ll have a coke, please

Trendy bars. Shiny taps. Bongo house music. Fucking dreadful.

Trendy bars: Shiny taps. Bongo house music. Fucking dreadful.

In search of cocktails, we headed for what was apparently quite a trendy night spot in Northampton. I can’t quite remember the name, but I don’t think my tie is fat enough nor my job title ambiguous enough to be qualified to even say it. Plus, I don’t call my wife ‘babe’, drink MochaChoccaLatteFuckingTastelessMilkyFroth, nor do I drive a VW Scirocco, care what anyone thinks about my hair, enjoy breathy, weak-chinned cover versions of brilliant records or speak almost entirely in phrases borrowed from the US. I’m surprised they let me in at all, actually.

I am the epitome of uncool.

Anyway, let me in they did. And, on passing under the ‘yeah, retro, man’ neon sign, we were met with a queue. Yes, a queue to get into a drinking establishment. More accurately, it was a queue to get up the stairs to the entrance of the drinking establishment. My mind filled with what possible wonderment these people were clearly so desparate to see. Cocktail-shaking spider monkeys? A toaster which has more than one usable setting? A reformation of Pink Floyd?

As it turned out, the trail of impossibly cool hipsters were waiting to get into a room. A room fuller than any room I have ever been in. Full enough to make detaching your arms from your sides impossible. The bar was an ocean of people away, the generic, percussion-laced dance music almost drowned out by equally inane, shouted chatter. Suffice to say, we left and ended up having a far better time in my living room. This in turn left me with a question I’m still yet to answer: why were people so keen to get in there? Isn’t ‘going out’ supposed to be fun?

Perhaps that night a seed was sown…

Back in December, I agreed to take part in the January ‘dryathlon’. This required participants to not touch a drop of alcohol for the duration of the first month of the year.

Immediately, this sounded stupid. Why? Why give up the one thing that has an almost medicinal quality in rescuing your mind and body from a particularly trying day at work? Why stop doing something which assists in awkward social situations when you have to pretend that you’re genuinely interested in what someone you once went to school with now does for a living?

Unfortunately, the person requesting that I take part was my wife, and, as every married man will know, they are a far superior being and should not be messed with. Generally, they’re right and we’re wrong and we should pay attention to what they’re telling us to do because, invariably, we’ll regret not doing so later on when we’re reminded that we should have listened.

So, I participated. And the result? Something of a revelation, actually.

I’ve never depended on drink. I love it, no question, but I don’t need it. I didn’t realise that until I went a month without it. Sure, there were some instances where it proved particularly difficult to resist; an away day to watch Northampton Town play Chesterfield in what was easily their worst performance in living memory being a particularly good example. But I managed it, and still had a good time dissecting the game afterwards with people I find genuinely interesting.

In January, I discovered something I bet few drinkers will be aware of. That feeling on a Friday night, or after a long drive, or after reading a particularly irritating Facebook status update… you know the one, when you desperately, really, really need a drink? It goes. Quite quickly. When you’re not allowed to have one, the feeling dissipates within an hour and, once it’s gone, you’re quite happy to drink a cup of tea. As a result, you don’t fall asleep half an hour later, nor do you continue drinking and wake up with a head which feels like Eric Pickles has taken an almighty shit inside it. You feel fresh. Feeling fresh is nice.

As Ghandi would say, I’m not going to ‘go all Cliff Richard on yo’ ass’, but the dryathlon has changed my attitude towards alcohol, no question. Since taking part, my better half and I haven’t consumed anywhere near as much and, quite often, just one glass of wine or beer has been enough. What’s more, we enjoy it. Having drunk regularly for my entire adult life, I fear the taste may have started to become less impressive. The subsequent hit expected. Now, it feels genuinely-earned and special, which I think any treat is supposed to.

Maybe I’m getting old. But, just as the passing of time makes you care less about inadvertently insulting people or consistently rushing around for others when everyone else is either late or preoccupied with themselves, I don’t really give a toss.

If I was reading this two months ago, I’d think ‘what a dick – just have a drink and enjoy yourself’. Head back ten years and I would have laughed this blog out of the park. Back then, getting as drunk as was technically possible was funny and a challenge worth undertaking. Now, it just seems daft. As does heading out ‘into town’. I’d rather spoon my eyeballs out than be met with a crowded bar lined with shiny taps and lion cub tear-flavoured cider bottles.

Alcohol, like Facebook*, gives us a heightened sense of our own importance and a genuine belief that everyone wants to hear about what’s going on behind our closed doors. Truth is, they don’t. None of us do. Unless you’re Shane MacGowan, your life is boring, and what better way to enjoy it than being 95% sober?

Anyone fancy a pint?

*and, yes, blogs.

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People often ‘look at you funny’ as they drive past, wondering why on earth two grown adults and a dog are walking – seemingly intentionally – along a country road. Little do they know that every road leads to a pub, and arriving via nothing other than your own two legs (and four little ones) makes every sip of beer completely guilt-free.

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Building-induced, industrial semi-squat living.

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Snow. Silent falling weather. Muddy and crisp under foot, along an often-trodden path. A day away from the grind worth taking.

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You’re skating on thin ice, Apple

Not so long ago, I purchased Apple’s third generation iPad. Although, it wasn’t called that. It was just called ‘The New iPad’. The public, being the public (i.e. stupid) referred to it as the iPad 3. Technically, this was wrong and, had Mr Jobs been alive, he’d no doubt have grabbed a mic, booked Wembley and explained why everyone was wrong. Alas Steve, god rest his soul, was dead, and with only the interminably dull Tim Cook to take his place, Apple decided instead to replace it with the ‘iPad with Retina Display’. This replaced the one I had, which has been deleted from history. The Ghost iPad, if you like. Confusingly, the new, 4th generation iPad (which isn’t called that), had the exact same body and Retina display as the old 3rd generation… sorry, New iPad. The only difference was a new, smaller charging connector which costs £3,000 to replace and a faster processor, which would be useful for the three people that play – and enjoy – games on their iPad.

If you’re confused, you’re not alone.

Regardless, for some reason I continue my wallet-sapping love affair with the world’s most valuable tech company. The only tech company in the world, in fact, that could get away with producing a television advert about copy and paste. No, really. A company which knowingly released a phone that put design before function. That function, in this case, was the ability for a phone to make a phone call.

Apple are, without doubt, one of the most flawed, yet brutally clever firms in existence.

This becomes ever more apparent when you first lay your hands on an Android device. I have recently, with the addition of a Samsung S3 Mini to my work toolbox. And what a tool it is.

There’s no need to build up to this statement, because it is unavoidably true: the S3 is a better phone than an iPhone. Hands down. No argument. If they were to have a fight, the S3 would knock out the fancy-pants device from Cupertino with a single punch.

The hardware is fairly irrelevant. Both are nice phones to hold and look suitably posh (although the iPhone is clearly the more expensive device, such is its engineering brilliance). No, it’s all about the software and it is now an unavoidable fact that iOS is about as current as a twenty minute guitar solo; we all loved it once, but now it’s faintly irritating.

Of greater concern is that Apple appears to be steadfastly sticking to their plan of small increments in functionality. This will be the undoing of them if they continue on such a blinkered, arrogant path. iOS 7 needs to be significantly different in order for them to maintain their user base. Locking people into iCloud, which only just works, and attempting to confuse them to death with iTunes Match, isn’t enough.

I’ll say it here and now – if Apple don’t develop a better mobile operating system which at least matches the functionality of the competition within the next 18 months, I will switch to Android and buy myself an iPod.

Possibly…

 

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I now wear glasses. Not a full time occupation, but one that finally gives me the opportunity to wear an accessory which can be used to elicit an air of intellectual appreciation from those who suddenly take note of my lens tilting retorts.

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Rock and Roll

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Text-based studio work isn’t glamourous. I bet the Stones never did this.

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Postaweek and no alcohol: a recipe for coherent blogging

Another new year heralds another attempt at the WordPress ‘postaweek’ yearly blogging marathon. Attempted (and almost achieved) in 2011, it is only fair I give it another bash in 2013. And this isn’t new year, new me-type stuff talking, oh no. It’s going to happen. Some will be text-based, others will be of the photo variety, but it is going to happen. Definitely. I will not need to talk myself into doing it. At all. Ever.

The same goes for dryathlon, which I’m also attempting. Sorry, completing.

To the uninitiated, dryathlon is a daft idea whereby participants refuse to drink alcohol for an entire month. No beer, no wine, no spirits and definitely no petrol, if you’re that way inclined. An entire month of tea, orange juice, tea, coke, flavoured water and tea.

On the face of it, this doesn’t sound too difficult. I’m not a heavy drinker. I can count the number of times I’ve got life-threateningly pissed on three fingers:

1) 1998. The Melbourne Arms, Northampton. My 18th birthday and my first taste of tequila. It ended with me falling into the cooker, eventually making it to bed and then covering my entire pillow in vomit. Which I slept in all night.

2) 2001. Tenerife. Running away from a prostitute, I tripped over a low hung chain and smashed out a couple of teeth. I’ll let you piece together that evening. It wasn’t a great holiday.

3) 2011. Brno, Czech Republic. My stag do. As is customary, the only time I saw my best man was when he was handing me drinks. Unfortunately, the only drink he appeared capable of buying was plum brandy. Plum brandy tastes like diesel. A lot of it makes you very drunk. Too much of it destroys your brain and makes you slightly more stupid than you were before, once you’ve sobered up. Plum brandy made me fall off the stage on which I was dancing like a mentally-challenged Mick Jagger and finish up in a gurgling, incoherent heap between the legs of a couple previously enjoying a romantic night out. How I made it back to the hotel alive on my own is a complete mystery.

So, been there, done that.

I do like a drink, though, and haven’t gone a month without drinking before. In truth, I don’t think I’ve gone a week without consuming an alcoholic drink my entire adult life.

More worryingly, a quick scan through my Instagram library makes it quite clear that I mainly take photos of beer bottles. Some rudimentary sums lead me to believe that quitting drink will cut my photo output by 80%. For some, this will be a relief, but it’s clear I’ll need to start seeking inspiration elsewhere.

So, the result of this experiment will be either interesting or incredibly dull. Whatever it is, I’ll post an update later this month.

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