TheBoyEllis Blog

'Looks like she needs a new motherboard, sir.'

My love/hate relationship with Sky News continues apace.  Their recent gloomy reports of yet further financial disaster due to the outbreak of swine flu have annoyed me greatly and their insistence on basing the majority of their reports on assumption as opposed to fact is very irritating.

However, I’m happy to say I’m quite pleased with them today for running this story on the frighteningly bad service offered by local PC repair shops.

OK, so the most excitable of news channels still can’t stop themselves stating the bleedin’ obvious…

Some computer repair shops are illegally accessing personal data on customers’ hard drives – and even trying to hack their bank accounts, a Sky News investigation has found.

…but at least they get straight to the point.  The worrying thing is that this kind of stuff needs highlighting; I shudder to think how many innocent non-PC literate people are ripped off on a daily basis because of Dell Boy PC repair men who make the same sucking sounds mechanics do when ‘your camshaft has smashed into your valves, mate’.

The findings of Sky News’ investigation were pretty frightening, though.  Having loosened a memory stick in a laptop filled with images of near naked ladies and fake bank account details, Sky’s crack team of undercover journalists entered a laptop repair shop in West London and asked them to look into why it wasn’t booting up properly.

Within seconds of the pretend customer leaving the shop, Revival Computers’ staff quickly sussed out there was a loose memory module, reinserted it correctly and proceeded to crack on with the important job of looking through any and all folders with the word ‘private’ in their name.  They also unearthed the planted fake bank account details and tried to access the account ’several times’.

This news may come as a real shock to some, but I’m not at all surprised.  Although I work in the I.T. industry and have a healthy understanding of PCs, I wouldn’t even take my PC to PC World to be fixed, let alone a back street shop.

Our PCs and laptops contain everything dear to us these days and it staggers me to think that people willingly give them to complete strangers to fix.  At the very least, you’re going to get ripped off.  Indeed, one shop Sky News took their ‘faulty’ laptop to explained that it would need a new motherboard at the cost of £100.

I can only offer one piece of advice.  I doubt there are many people out there who don’t know someone either in their family or amongst their friends who is handy with computers.  Always, always, use these people.  Speaking as one of those regularly called on by family and friends, just make sure you buy them a beer or two to say thanks!

A somewhat disgruntled Galaxy fan

“One of the guys was saying things that wasn’t very nice. It was stepping over the line. I said, ‘You need to calm down and come shake my hand,’” Multi-club ambassador David Beckham comments after his ‘clash’ with LA Galaxy fans during his first home match. This was after a five month secondment to AC Milan, during which he confessed to having fallen in love with the city: “Milan is the ideal place to be a footballer, it’s like being in Paradise,” he said, to the sound of a thousand Big Macs across the Atlantic being spat out.

Of course, all the clash really amounted to was Beckham pointing his finger at a fat American, getting fed up with the lack of response and making a pathetic attempt to jump over the advertising board.

But a hand shake? Is that all he wanted to give this guy? I’d have given him a lot more, if I was Beckham. It perhaps says more about the player (who appears to have adopted the word ’soccer’ for our beautiful game while over there) than the moronic Galaxy fan he targeted that nothing more came of it.

I’m on Beckham’s side here, quite firmly, but few others seem to be. I’m not sure why. He’s offered his talent to the equivalent of UK Sunday League and has done his best to promote the American game. So, he nipped off to Milan for a few months to play some real football. Who cares? He came back, didn’t he?

I doubt there’s an English football fan in the land who didn’t see his move to the States for what it was; an exercise in creative marketing. However, that shouldn’t detract from the fact that Beckham, to his credit, always gives 100% when playing football and clearly loves the game. There are very few world class players who would be happy to drop to such a level and still keep the pace up.  Not that pace has ever been Beckham’s strong point, but you catch my drift.

Say us Brits were treated to a world famous internationally-capped Ice Hockey player from the states who was quite happy to lend his services to Kettering Ice Hockey Club. Would we moan, jeer and threaten god knows what if he decided to nip off for some real Hockey elsewhere? I don’t think we would.

How the Galaxy fans can’t see the benefit of Beckham still playing top flight football elsewhere is beyond me. Were they really expecting him to make a long term commitment to Mickey Mouse ‘He’s stuffed another one in the goal bag’ soccer? If they were, they should have started booing him from the moment he unveiled his squad number.

Don’t forget it was America that tried to impose ‘kick ins’ and ‘time outs’ at the ‘94 world cup. For that very reason, I find it difficult to take any criticism they level at a good English footballer very seriously at all.

N.B. Take a look at this video from Newsy.com which pulls together news coverage from different media outlets on the subject of Beckham’s relationship with the Galaxy fans.  Interesting stuff: http://www.newsy.com/videos/the_beckham_experiment

A US trader get's some financial advice from his GP.

So, not only are we all going to die from swine flu, today we learn that before we cough and splutter our way into oblivion, our wallet is going to be hit by the bug too.

‘SWINE FLU COULD TIP ECONOMY OVER THE EDGE’, shouts the Sky News website.  According to the news bully, 7.5% is how far the economy could contract if people start making excuses about ’sniffing and stuff’ and stop coming into work.

Just as there appeared to by a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, a killer bug stomps into the pre party preparations and puts its boot square into the plate of party rings.  Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.

Well, actually, no.  I’m not having this.  I’m fed up of the doom mongering media we are surrounded by these days.  They’re not happy unless we’re all fatally miserable.  And the worst thing is, we can’t get away from them – they’re on our TV, on our phone, on the newstand and regularly the subject of water cooler conversations.  I’m not falling for it this time, though.

Why do we revel in misery?  Swine Flu is perfectly treatable; we’re not talking months off work for everyone that gets it.  Why is it any different to any other type of bug?  In 2009, why should we fear something we can predict, treat and cure?

What really concerns me is the affect this type of press has on the public.  I’m convinced the most obvious sideeffect of a recession (a drop in public spending), was exacerbated in 2009’s case by gloomy news reports every time a TV was switched on or a paper read.  Why would any of us spend our hard earned when we’re racked with fear over loosing our jobs and homes?

The R word has barely figured in headline news for the last month and as a result consumer confidence appears to have increased.  It couldn’t last though, could it?

Swine Flu isn’t the threat we face, nor is the city boy’s penchant for an immoral bonus or two.  No, the threat weighs twenty stone, wears an ill fitting suit, sits behind a news ticker and answers to the name of Eamonn.

YouTube piano lessons: pause, rewind and abandon your teacher!

With my first ever piano lesson rapidly approaching, I’m spending as much time learning pieces as best I can, so that I have a semblance of piano know-how to demonstrate to my teacher come July 27th.

For any other aspiring pianists out there, I can’t recommend YouTube enough if you want an intuitive, no-hassle introduction to learning technique and specific songs.

It can, however, be a frustrating search; lots of lessons mean well enough but usually make one of three critical errors:

1. The camera is placed at such an obscure angle that it is impossible to work out what keys are being pressed.  Sometimes, the camera has adopted that much of a 1970s Batman villain angle, the only reason you know it’s a piano lesson is because you can hear the familiar sound of tinkling ivories.  This is particularly prevalent with female ‘tutors’ who seem far more concerned that the camera picks out their best side.
2. Sound quality comparable to a 1930s grammar phone.  Occasionally, it’s so tinny and devoid of any harmonics that every note sounds the same.  This does not a good music lesson make.
3. They don’t talk.  I’ve found 9 minute videos where they just sit there and play the piece out slowly without muttering a word.  This is about as intuitive as a teacher after nineteen double whiskeys.

In fact, many of them commit all three crimes above simultaenously making the learning process, well, fucking impossible.

Not to worry, though.  I can recommend two fantastic examples of how well it can be done.

Lypur – I believe this young chap is a professional teacher but he is clearly an incredibly acomplished musician.  He covers theory and technique very well and his teaching style is relaxed and inspiring.

Pianojohn113 – My absolute favourite for learning real, living, breathing songs.  If you’re keen on taking up the piano, you can’t ignore The Beatles, Billy Joel and Elton John.  This guy has all three covered and teaches them with no-frills aplomb.

Give YouTube a go.  While it can’t be as intimate as a real one-to-one lesson, the ability to rewind your teacher, pause them and return a day later when you get frustrated is fantastic.

Bruno

There’s no two ways about it, Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno is the filthiest thing you’ll see all year.   If not for the foreseeable future.

18 certificate films are a rare thing these days, but from the opening scenes involving Bruno and his boyfriend experimenting with, amongst other things, a fire extinguisher and a unique modification of an exercise bike, it’s clear Sacha is determined to go even lower than his reputation guarantees.

It is, however, laugh out loud funny.  As you’d expect from the man behind such brilliant, toe curling creations as Borat and Ali G, Bruno is bum-clenchingly difficult to watch at times but equally hilarious.

The real highlight of this film is Cohen’s brilliant interviews with some of the most uptight anti-gay Americans you’re likely to see.  Masterfully luring them into a false sense of security, Bruno proceeds to extract ever more nonsensical and at times down right unbeilevable opinions from these clearly disturbed souls.  His interviews with two ‘gay converter’ pastors is inspired.

It’s difficult to see where he can go from here.  Aside from the taste bucket having been well and truly drained, the legitimacy of every scene in Bruno will naturally be questioned.  Part of the joy of this film is watching real people become entangled in and confused by the farcical world of Bruno, but how many were in on it?  Paula Abdul clearly wasn’t as she sat on a Mexican builder man posing as a chair whilst confessing her love of helping people.  But there are several scenes where Cohen is either admirably ballsy or simply accompanied by some very good actors.

I will not give anything else away, as so many film reviews do (a poorly disguised get out clause for this dreadful excuse for a review, right there) but will simply end this post by highly recommending Bruno.  Just leave your morals at home.

Well, it’s Friday night, I’ve had two or three glasses of wine, therefore it is entirely understandable that I am once again sitting here watching Big Brother.  As always, I did not instigate this, you understand.  My girlfriend turned the TV on.  I’m just a spectator.

I’m going to stop making excuses now, as the more I try to justify the situation i find myself in, the more obvious it is that I’m genuinely watching this tawdry piece of shit for my own entertainment.

Five new people are going in tonight – inexplicably, only one is leaving – but in all honesty, they’re either going to have to be royalty (literally, like, the Queen) or Boris Johnson if they’re going to save this clearly flagging show.

It is mind-numbingly dull this year.  I’m staring blankly at the screen now, waiting for something to comment on.

Nothing happens.

There are just people on my telly.  Not doing much.

Oh no, scrap that, someone just threw a plastic bottle at someone’s face.  Brilliant.  This might be worth watching.

Nope, it’s calmed down.  That’s a shame.

Still, that’s another NaBloPoMo done.

My toyful play with a classic phrase in the title of this post doesn’t actually reflect reality, as far as my life is concerned.  I still get to play, but it’s struck me today just how hard we’re having to work to satisfy customers during ‘these <insert recession cliche here> times’.

Deals that would normally have taken one meeting and a couple of weeks of chasing now take three meetings and months of negotiations over price.  Existing customers want it all without paying for any of it and, most importantly, the phrase ‘the customer is always right’ has never been held onto so dear.

Of course, I have no problem with the above.  Why shouldn’t customers get the most out of their purchases these days?  It just fascinates me, the way this recession has taken hold.

There’s no doubt about it, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.  Things seem to be changing for the better but I have a feeling the additional work we’re all having to put in just to get the most simple of deals or jobs done will stick around for a long time to come.  If not forever.

It also makes me wonder if we were doing something wrong before.  Perhaps we were all too lazy?  A bit blase, even?  Certainly, at my company, we used to always have enough enquiries coming in to deal with.  Every department was busy and we turned over a nice profit.  Then it all changed.  And I can time it.  For us, from around February onwards, business changed as we knew it and we had some waking up to do.

We had to become more proactive.  We had to seek new opportunities.  It’s amazing how proactive you can be when you’ve got a blank order book staring you in the face and very few genuine opportunities in your pot.

I’ve learned a lot over the last couple of months.  If your business is struggling, there are no two ways about it – you have to get out there and find opportunities.  And this means doing things you perhaps don’t fancy, I’m afraid.  Cold calls, both on the phone and via site visits.  Scour Google and your competitors website for potential clients.  They exist – you just have to sniff them out.

There’s no better time to start than now.  With the recession gradually relieving its grip on the economy, both businesses and the public are feeling more confident about spending their money.  The difference is that they won’t always be proactive in doing this – you have to tempt them, and you have to work bloody hard to do so.

We have a motto at work at the moment which is quite simply ‘delight customers’.  I don’t need to explain what that means, but it’s a key phrase for any business wishing to get through this unscathed.

Of all the search terms successfully diverting traffic my blog’s way, one stands out.  An inordinate amount of people appear to be typing ‘TheBoyEllis’ into search engines.  In fact, it is the top search term referal on this blog, with 62 hits.

Sixty-two??  I am not even slightly famous or even remotely known outside of my friend and work circles.  Particularly as ‘TheBoyEllis’.

It’s got the the stage where I’m a little bit offended if I see it misspelt.  Two illiterate fools have typed in ‘thyeboyellis’.  The nerve.

So, here’s a plea.  If you’ve arrived here via that search term, I’d love to know why.  Very few people (apart from my mother) ever comment on this blog – which is highly understandable – but here’s your chance.

I’ve even taken the ultimate self appreciative step of tagging this post with ‘theboyellis’.  I won’t ever do this again.

These NaBloPoMo posts are getting later and later which can only mean one thing – I’m letting it slip.

More pressing  is why I’m continuing to post a blog a day.  It’s not as if I’m going to win anything.  Not even a lousy M&S voucher, which everyone seems to be giving away these days.

So what to write about tonight?  I still enjoy taking the piss out of Big Brother and as it’s on whilst I type (in the background, being watched by my better half, I might add), now is as good a time as any for a live commentary.

They’re all sitting around a table discussing the latest shopping task.  I missed the challenge, but it no doubt involves Lycra, an orange, five goats and an electric shock machine.  It usually does.  And it’s always very dull.

The housemates are all still hateful, I’m happy to report.  Siovash is still dressing like Vivian Westwood and tonight appears to be sporting a hat made out of feathers.

Oh god, I had to stop there because that weird-beard Wolverine-wannabe just appeared on the screen.  Has anyone ever sported such crap face hair?  He doesn’t look like Wolverine.  He just looks like a tool.

That little brazilian kid appears to be talking now which is rather more than he was doing last time I watched this tawdry piece of shit (ref. Robert Webb).  He keeps saying random words, one after the other.  I think these rambles are supposed to constitute an argument, but the bloke he was saying them to looked just as confused as I feel.  He was quite irate just then, though, so that particular collection of words must have really meant something to him.

Craig from Big Brother 1 has just entered.  So, finally, they’ve given up and gone back to square one, literally.  Perhaps they’re going to replace all the nonentities in the current house with old housemates.  I’d probably watch that.  Particularly if they disposed of the current lot with death stars, or something.

Halfwit is now being interviewed by Craig at what appears to be a bus stop in the back garden.  He’s no Parky, Craig.  This interview is dire.

Are people still watching this?

Even my girlfriend’s gone to bed.

Am I actually the only person watching this.  And writing about it?  Live?

What am I doing?

Oh god, goodbye.

So, today, I thought I’d have a crack at earning some money from writing.

As it turns out, there’s a shed load of sites that pay aspiring writers for their contributions to what is basically an SEO exercise.  suite101.com was my first port of call and after submitting a couple of example pieces of work (having painstakingly edited out the character defamation, sarcasm and swearing) I was almost instantly turned down.  I’d barely clicked submit when the ‘Sorry, but no’ email came through.

Not a great start, then.  Made all the more depressing by the fact that suite101.com gave a typically vague response as to why I wasn’t approved.  According to the email I received it could have been anything from inappropriate material to, well, just being shit at writing, basically.  Of little comfort was their boastful last sentence which explained they only approve 20% of applicants.  That’s X Factor harsh.

So I dusted myself off and looked elsewhere.  That’s when I came across triond.com.  Aside from having an unpronounceable name, it also has a website which didn’t work properly in Google Chrome, something that made me inexplicably angry.  I wasn’t going to be deterred, so carried on with the application process.

This was much more like it.  They didn’t even ask for example material.  Within minutes I was logged into my own control panel with a rather impressive WYSIWYG blog-like editor and a great big, green ‘Publish’ button.  Both alarmingly easy and instantly inspiring.

Both articles I’ve submitted are still awaiting approval so, providing they deem a piece about a software synthesiser or a review of Sky HD worthy of inclusion within their pages, I could be on my way to literary fortune.

Of course, what is far more likely, is that I’ll be on here again in three months time, lambasting Triond for only depositing 25 cents in my PayPal account, having sent them seventy-six articles of what I deem to be genuinely interesting material on the intricacies of quantisation in Logic Pro.

Let’s see what happens.

More importantly, this is my 6th NaBloPoMo entry this month.  I’m flying!