3ft tall and back ache – it’s the same deal, really

After a regrettable absence in 2008, Celebrity Big Brother is gracing our screens again and it couldn’t have had a more promising opening. Certainly, the spectacle of 3ft tall movie star and ‘stunt man’ Verne Troyer teaching ageing rapper Coolio cockney rhyming slang will already take some beating as TV highlight of 2009.

I’ve never been ashamed to admit I watch Big Brother and can think of nothing better to while away these freezing cold winter nights than watching ailing, desperate stars attempt to revive their flagging careers by giving us an intimate glimpse into their state of mind.

Shooting stars regular Ulrika(ka-ka-ka-ka-ka) Johnson certainly got off to an intriguing start, comparing Verne’s dwarfism to her recent bout of ‘a bad back’. I can see the similarity, and I’m sure Verne could appreciate her somewhat ham fisted gesture of support – it certainly made for addictive, if infinitely uncomfortable, viewing.

However the early shining star, without a shadow of a doubt, is 45-year-old Coolio who on entry to the house expressed his desire not to find any ‘ugly chicks’. He may therefore have been a little dismayed on entry to find unpronounceable ex-Sugarbabes backing vocalist Mutya discussing something doubtlessly chav-based with Tina Malone. I have no idea who Tina is, but it appears she has been plucked from a land where the words ‘fuck’, ‘fucking’ and ‘fucked’ are substituted for every second word of every sentence. She’s also far too keen on telling us about her sex life: ‘this is my shagging hair’ – something I would rather spoon my eyes out than think about.

I’m looking forward to this one; in particular the unravelling of another Jackson which is sure to take place. ‘This is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ said Latoya on the second day. I’m not entirely sure what she was referring to, but I doubt it was Coolio’s incessant Michael Jackson impersonations.

Coolio to win!

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