I was one of the many who sniggered at Robert Webb’s Big Brother comment during Jonathan Ross’ chat show last Friday. Having been asked by Ross if he’d name his forthcoming child after a member of the current Big Brother house, Webb replied with the gem: “What, and later tell them ‘we named you after some tawdry piece of shit on telly’?” A brilliantly concise description, tactfully delivered during a chat show Davina McCall was waiting in the wings to appear on.
I’ve never been ashamed to admit I watch and enjoy the show. It’s rather addictive and fills the summer void during which the BBC presumably thinks everyone is too busy playing tennis to watch anything marginally interesting on TV.
However, I’ve finally given up with it this year. It has reached the stage where all contestants are fully Big Brother trained. They know how to work the cameras, they know what should and shouldn’t be said, they know how to swing the public vote. But, most of all, every single one of them in this years’ show is utterly unlikeable.
I have watched very few episodes, but here is my rough guide to the current house’s occupants:
Angel: A former Russian pop star turned boxer. Not the most obvious career switch and, unsurprisingly, not the most interesting person, either. Declined to eat for four days and you know what? She ended up looking like she hadn’t eaten for four days. Entered the house sharing the dress sense and swagger of Jonny Depp’s Willy Wonker.
Beinazir: Booted out after a couple of days in what was television’s most poorly orchestrated departure.
Cairon: Evicted last week. Innit. He was street-wise, therefore possessed the right to be overly defensive about everything and hugely offensive to anyone who questioned his ‘integrity’ and, oh I don’t know what else, probably ‘respec’…. blah, blah, blah.
Charlie: ‘As camp as Christmas’ says the Big Brother website. Yes, and as dull as dishwater, to boot. I can’t think of a single thing to write about him.
Halfwit: “Where do you live?” asked one housemate upon meeting the man formerly known as Freddie. “I live in the country!” he replied, joyfully. No, no. Where the fuck do you live? We need at least a county, you stupid prat. Some may find his quaint, dreamy take on everything endearing but I find it more irritating than Graham Norton’s entire catalogue of TV appearances. Of more concern, however, is his incessant singing. Which is just horrible. There should be a legal requirement for anyone who breaks into song at random intervals to receive a punch in the face three seconds into the first verse. I’d be at the front of the queue every time.
Karly: Can’t understand a word she says. Usually looks like she’s accidentally walked into the house after a night out at Lava and Ignite.
Kris: Openly gay with Charlie although spends the majority of his time pretending to get close to all of the girls. Stupid hair.
Lisa: Token butch Lesbian. Professed to being able to turn any woman but has so far spent most of her time in the house smoking and arguing with everyone.
Marcus: Thinks he looks like Wolverine. He might, but I don’t think anyone cares. I’m not sure many people will even know who Wolverine is. Stupid beard.
Noirin: Gets ‘hit on’ 4,000,000 times a night, or something. I’m not sure why. Wanted to stay in the house so much she agreed to shave her eyebrows off and draw fake glasses and mustache on her face every day. Started to cry when she realised the latter made her look like a twat. Unpronounceable name, therefore eternally annoying.
Rodrigo: Sorry, I’m not entirely sure who this is, but he was on the official website.
Saffia: Token unstable bird. Left her tiny kids at home in the selfish pursuit of fame. That should be a criminal offence.
Siavash: There are no words to describe how much of an idiot this bloke is. Dresses like an extra from Pirates of the Carribean and has about as much to say. Weeped uncontrollably when Cairon was booted out, having spent most of the previous evening drawing stuff on the aforementioned’s arse.
Sophia: Horrible little goblin who was rightfully evicted early on for having an argument about someone being boring. Wore more than one pair of glasses on her face, a crime which should be punishable by death.
Dogface: Drags her comedy frontal balloons around the house in an unsuccessful attempt to win the affections of all male viewers. My moobs are more attractive. And I’m quite hairy.
Sree: Professed his undying love for Noirin after about three days. At least, I think he did. It’s difficult to tell when he talks with the same nonsensical sentence structures Yoda invented. Wears stupid sunglasses.
So there you have it. I hope you found that informative.