Driving would be ok if it wasn’t for everyone else

I’ve just about had it with driving on this nation’s congested, poorly designed, potholed roads.

And it’s not just those aforementioned problems that irritate me on a daily basis. No, it’s primarily the bumbling idiots that inhabit the UK’s tarmac. I really enjoy driving but it is very rare that I actually get to enjoy a spot of trouble-free time behind the wheel. Without exception, my daily commute is always blighted by some screen-licking nervous wreck in front of me.

I have the following pieces of advice for those that find driving more confusing and scary than a weekend in a log cabin with only Noel Edmunds for company:

  1. Maintain a constant speed. It’s really not that hard to keep driving at 70MPH on a motorway, for instance. Traffic will always flow properly if everyone keeps their right foot steady; there should be no reason to ever slow down on the motorway unless you crash into a cow that has wandered from its field. Those that do a lot of motorway driving will know that congestion is very rarely caused by accidents and nearly always caused by the dribbling majority who simply don’t understand the concept of steady driving.
  2. Be ready when the lights turn green. We’re all told we rush about too much these days, but I don’t care – BE ready when those lights turn green. Don’t spend fifteen minutes fumbling with your gear stick and handbrake before pulling off.
  3. Pick a lane and stick to it. We’ve all been in situations where we’re in a foreign town and not entirely sure which way to go. Road layouts, as already mentioned, are also notoriously crap in this country. However, I see this on too regular a basis in my own town for it to simply be outsiders. Don’t straddle two lanes – just pick the correct one. Really, really simple stuff.
  4. Stop braking every three seconds. This relates to point 1, and is also most prevalent on motorways. There is a reason you have to keep braking – it’s because you keep flooring the throttle every five seconds even though the car in front isn’t increasing its speed. Trust me, there is nothing more irritating that a brake-happy idiot in front of you. Nothing. Not even Alistair Darling.
  5. We don’t care you’re driving a BMW. Once, I had no choice but to undertake a guy driving a BMW 3 series on a dual carriageway. Whilst I was breezing along at 60 in the correct lane, he was crawling along at about 40 in the outside lane on his mobile phone. Several miles later he thundered up and levelled with me giving me just about every unsporting hand gesture I’ve seen. With that, off he went. Had I had the time to explain, I would have pointed out that I had no choice but to undertake him and that yes, he probably did have a much faster car than me. So, BM and Audi drivers, please put your penises back into your trousers and just get on with your day – no one cares what car you’re driving.

There are far more points I could add to the above, but I don’t want to lecture you any further. If you know of anyone in your family who’s driving mirrors any of the above points, please forward my advice. Perhaps once we get everyone driving correctly we can all get to work on time, ditch speed cameras and finally remove the pointless speed limit on the nation’s motorways.

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